Brain Exercises for Quarantine: My Quick and Dirty Tips to Slip and Slide Your Way to a Smooth Brain
Now that I’ve passed the 60 day mark of my personal COVID19-Pandemic-induced social isolation, I’m confident that I have the perfect technique for passing the time in productive ways when you can’t go outside.
All this alone time has helped me to meditate on the things that are really important. My mind is almost always empty and unstimulated by the perils of reality. I fall asleep promptly at 10 pm with a smile on my face and sweet baby angels playing harps in my ears. Now that I have all this extra free time, I’ve decided to experiment with thinking and really lean into the neurons in my brain. When I attempt to occupy my worm brain, it tends to sound like wind chimes rattling out of sync with gasping breaths of a poisoning victim, or the off-key bell of a haunted elementary school. The best way I have found to drown out this noise is through thought exercises, many of which I have listed here for your benefit. Begin by staring at a blank wall, ceiling, or empty refrigerator. This list is based on my own experience and the personal breakthrough I’ve had during the past month-plus of social distancing.
Think about the last time you had sex in explicit detail but in a cringe way, not a fun sexy way! If you’re in quarantine with a sexual partner you don’t get to participate in this one. It’s best for people whose last sexual encounter was awkward and/or disappointing. The last time I was intimate before quarantine it was on a mattress on the floor in a bedroom decorated only by 3 Uniqlo shopping bags taped to the wall. Think about all that tenderness...replay it in your mind moment by moment. Remember that when quarantine is over you can look forward to more encounters like this one!
Picture your first day of middle school. What were you wearing? What were you nervous about? Who was your crush? How was your skin? Lean into this exercise. Add a mantra if you like. A go-to for me is “I will never escape my middle-school self…” over and over. Deepen the exercise by thinking about the last time you felt beautiful. You might still be beautiful, but who knows. If you’re like me, you haven’t seen your body in quarantine besides during the 15 minutes of your weekly shower.
Make a list of all the ways important people in your life have disappointed you. This works best with close family members, if possible. If you don’t have any family, think about that. If you have the time, and I know you do, call them up and take the disappointment to the next level. Air your grievances, create conflict where there previously was none. Burn those bridges while you can!
Make a mental map of every bedroom you’ve ever had. Start with your earliest memory and work up to your current bedroom, which you may never leave.
Conjure the taste of school lunch in the 10th grade. I like to concentrate on a particularly dry muffin I would buy at least once a week. The flavor may have been banana or apple but it mostly tasted like ash to me. I encourage those who are stockpiling and buying up half the supermarket to recognize that this is what you’re leaving the rest of us with.
Try to remember in explicit detail everything you said in public last time you were wildly drunk. If you hurt a friend’s feelings or said something obscene or offensive to a stranger, repeat it over and over in your head until it loses its power. This is a strength exercise. If you’re able to pull up drunk texts or DMs on your phone, do that. Desensitize yourself to them. These words can’t hurt you now.
If you’re over the age of 25 and have a uterus, count your remaining eggs. I find this is like counting sheep and really helps me fall asleep.
Create a fictional argument with the person you trust most. Imagine they say something devastating to you. Get really irrationally angry until it starts to have a physical effect almost like cardio.
Concentrate on your breathing. Wait...are you experiencing shortness of breath? Is that anxiety or a deadly pandemic? Meditate on that tickle in your throat. Allergies...or? You’ll find that this is a fun game that can help pass hours at a time.
Picture the face of everyone you have ever kissed. Next, picture the face of every person that’s ever rejected you. If possible transition to thinking about the people you rejected and wonder if you might have made grave mistakes that will leave you trying to fill an unfillable void for the rest of time. Physically feel the void inside you. Breathe into it. Celebrate what your body and mind are capable of.
I know what you’re thinking, my brain is on some Megamind shit right now! Just remember to center your breathing during this mental workout. As you inhale, reach back into your deepest, darkest memories. As you exhale, sink deeper into the full expression of your grief. This will create a wonderful tension. Now that I have studied my own failures the way a priest studies a holy text, I feel emotionally armed for whatever the big bad world has to offer me, inside or outside of my living room. Quarantine has helped me to come to terms with many things, not the least of which is the fact that you can’t run forever. Reality will inevitably catch up to you and reality bites.
